breaking the silence

I realize that it has been months since my last post, and already a new year has began. So I'm breaking the silence. I'm writing again  :)

I've been home in Lincoln since the beginning of December, and with the transition has come so many blessings, but also a heavy load of struggles and frustrations. I loved being home for Christmas, mostly for the intimate time with family and close friends. There were 4 new babies in my family at Christmas this year! (not to mention the 2 new ones last year, adding to the now 15 little ones that ran my sister's house on Christmas morning). It got me thinking a lot about if I had been in Sudan during this time, as previously planned. I wouldn't have met any of them. I'm so thankful for my family, for the laughs and the card games and the endless buffet of food anytime there's an event. The more and more I'm away it really does build up my appreciation for them. They're some of the only real roots and foundation I have right now.

   

(pictures above: me with my 3 nieces Jocelyn, Tessa, and brand new baby Jada)

Which has been my struggle, keeping my feet on a solid foundation - finding roots to dig into and invest in. I absolutely love what I do, and I know God has put a heart in me to travel all over the world working with different people groups - but it gets trying living out of a suitcase for months at a time. Even now, home just doesn't quite feel like home anymore. I'm still in transition, trying to live life and not just  w a i t  impatiently for my next journey. Some days are really good - I've met new friends and am working hard and enjoy the independence that comes with my own space, my own car and a full closet even! But some days are just. hard. I'm quick to loneliness, no longer having roommates or friends right down the hall from me. Most of my best friends are overseas right now, making communication limited if even possible. And I'm almost guarded to pour into new relationships, knowing that I'm leaving again soon. But I'm always leaving again. That really can't hold me back, can it?

One realization I've come to this past week is how easily independence comes to me when I'm living in Lincoln. Not that independence is bad, but I'm really not drawing any strength from God - I handle it all myself. Life is planned, structured, manageable. Living overseas God isn't just a part of it, he IS it. There is so much uncertainty and conflict and spiritual warfare, that he is in everything I do, I have no strength to get by on my own with. Which is why I think I'm burning out here. I don't need God less in Nebraska than I need him overseas, I just think that way. I go into autopilot, which leads to unhappiness. I'm not on a YWAM campus anymore, devotionals aren't written in my schedule, I don't have a worship band down the hall from me or a 24/7 prayer room just up the stairs. I've gotta figure this stuff out for me, in the here and now. It's not even so much what I do, I don't think, but where my heart is at. What do I really desire right now? What am I seeking? Is it him? 

I'm starting to ramble. This is an impromptu blog, no notes to go from - I just knew I needed to break the silence  :)  Sometimes I feel like my life is just less interesting here, like I only have something worth writing about when I'm in Africa or Asia or even Colorado Springs. But I'm still growing, learning, and overall really enjoying life. I am so excited for what's to come! - but again, am trying to live life to the fullest right here, right now. Working a lot, resting a lot, and preparing however I can for my next adventure around the world. I should really post my flight itinerary... I got it New Years day and it is ridiculous! So many countries in so little time... Well, until then!