broken

Tonight has been a hard night for me, a night when my flesh has been ripped from my spirit, and I'm left with questions and tears.

For class tonight we watched Beyond the Gates which is described best in the words of Joseph Habineza, Rwandan Minister of Youth, Sports and Culture when he said,

“This film is a very powerful depiction of the terrible events that took place in my country in 1994. A number of films have now been made about the genocide but few, if any, have tackled the story with such honesty and emotional depth. It is a film that everyone should see in the hope that the international community will not abandon those who are in need ever again."

It was difficult to watch (and I absolutely recommend everyone getting their hands on it, at least one time through), but I didn't realize the full effect it had on my heart until I ended up in my friend Isaiah's room with tears running down my face, throwing around questions without answers, frustrations with other people, and mostly frustrations with myself and the role I have to play. This genocide that happened in Rwanda is real, it happened during all of our lifetimes. These people are real, it's not just "something going on in Africa." I've heard people say that with a sad sigh and as some form of excuse to do nothing more, like Africa is only a place of war, HIV, poverty and death. Are those people any different from us? When we see on the news black children who have been killed on the streets and in their villages, does it strike the same nerve as if it were a little blond haired, blue eyed girl from down the street? Why are some people more human than others? More valuable? And why do I spend so much of each and every day worried about myself? ...my priorities, my agenda, my wonderfully blessed life.

This movie also struck a very personal chord in my life, because it brought me back to the truth of what has really been taking place in Kenya this past year. After the elections in December, there was a form of racial cleansing - tribes killing other tribes to obtain power and influence in the country, homes being burned to the ground, businesses destroyed. And it's not something I read about in the news, it's something I learned of through e-mails from dear friends living in the heat of battle.

My head is still spinning, and my external processing has made it to the front page of my blog. I guess to me what I'm most afraid of is living in a spirit of apathy, of seeing and doing nothing. So the big, booming question now is, "God, what are you asking me to do? What is my role? Please show me." Taking on the whole world is overwhelming - but it's that one cause, that one person who is worth fighting for.

Please just watch the movie, and allow God to speak to you in his own unique way.

http://www.beyondthegates-movie.com/

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back for round 2!

After 10 days of vacation at home in Nebraska, I'm back on base at YWAM Colorado Springs and excited about this next season! The campus is busy with 3 schools running this semester, including a justice-focused DTS with over 50 new students. Every week each student has a journal assignment due covering 3 broad topics: lecture, personal, and spiritual. Even though I have yet to start writing my first entry, I decided to steal the theme and give you a quick overview of my first week here with the same outline format. 

Lecture

I genuinely love being back in the classroom. It's stretching, and challenging, and so so good for me. This week, apart from our daily class sessions, my school has been going through a videos series called "God's Warriors" documented by CNN. Each night this week we've been spending time looking at different religions, including God's Jewish Warriors, God's Muslim Warriors, and God's Christian Warriors. It's most challenging for me, I think, because I walk away from these videos and discussions not feeling more educated, but instead so naive to what's going on in the world. My worldview has been so small, so self-focused, so apathetic. Maybe that's one reason I'm so excited to be back in the classroom - I'm just not content with knowing what I know now. I need to be continually learning, growing, and seeing God's heart for the world (not just the political US of A). 

Personal

It feels good to be back on campus. It feels like home. I've been living out of a suitcase so much this past year, the comfort and familiar faces on base really bring me a sense of peace and security. I also feel like this is an environment that allows me to be me, the loud, goofy, real Jill that is completely in love with Jesus and doesn't have to water it down for anyone. I can run every day and play in the pool and have hallway parties and play card games till late into the night. I can have real discussions about topics that I'm passionate about, I can cry without feeling embarrassed and I don't have to do myself up to be loved and accepted. 

Is there a hard side? Of course. The two major challenges for me personally have been in friendships and finances. Although I have met so many new amazing people this semester, I'm also separated from a lot of my closest friends, one in particular who I grew accustomed to spending every day (and night) with who is now serving the Lord for a year in Europe. It's again reminding me that my strength needs to come from God first, and I can't seek that out in relationships alone. I am also challenged because after spending the summer overseas and immediately turning around for another outreach with YWAM, I am living off less financially than I ever have before. I am really trying to trust and lean on God to be my provider, but the independence in me just wants to earn an income and provide for myself. I'm confident that I am supposed to be here for this upcoming season, but there are definitely struggles that accompany the blessings. 

Spiritual

I've spent a lot of time this week talking with God about outreach and the plans he has for me (short-term and long-term). There were a few weeks when I was really having a hard time hearing his voice, so it's great just to be in close communication again, regardless of his answers to my stream of questions. One of my favorite things about prayer is getting confirmation - that even though I am sure I can hear God's voice on my own, having people around me who are getting the same thing and the same direction gives me butterflies in my stomach. Instead of being given specific locations and service projects for this school, we were asked to really pray about where God wants to send each of us specifically, and what it is that our ministry should look like. I think I know where I'll be headed off to this December, but will wait to divulge until everything has become official. Regardless of location, it really has been refreshing to rest in the presence of God and feel so close to him again. 

This quick update has turned into a pretty long report, so I'll sign off for now, saying stay tuned! Again I'm going to try to get posts up weekly, if not biweekly, on life during the School of Strategic Missions. Also, if you're taking the time to read this, I would love to hear from you! - even a simple response so I know I'm not writing all this nonsense just for me

[my e-mail address is jill.kilzer@gmail.com] 

be blessed!