runners unite!

The day begins at 6am as I crawl out of bed, lace up my tennis shoes and head for the car. The whole gang of early morning risers unite for an hour of running through the Garden of the Gods as the sunrise paints the rocks in beautiful shades of red and orange. The crisp morning air refreshes my skin as the fellowship does to my heart. Just another incredible piece of my life in Colorado.

Last night (sitting over enormous ice cream waffle cones), a small group of us made a pact. A running pact. In the 6 weeks left before outreach, we are going to train and run a complete half-marathon in Garden of the Gods. We started with 3 miles today (half of the group had never run that far before) - and before we head out to Thailand we're going to set up our own course, complete with water stations and cheering fans at each mile marker. This weekend marks the 1 year anniversary of my first completed half marathon, which I was sad to pass up. But God cooked up something even better, and I'm so excited! This is the first running "team" I've been apart of, and I must say, we're a pretty fearless bunch.

This is the gang sweaty and out of breath after our first run together (Isaiah, Becca, me, Nick & Andrew). We're tackling Pike's Peak in a couple weeks for cross-training :)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Hebrews 12:1

daddy's arms

A new speaker and a new subject for the week are revealing new brokenness in my heart. Dave (Gustaveson) is teaching this week on "Father's Love." After a few hours of topics and notes and discussion, he did something that was not listed in the agenda. He made time for God to intercede in our class. Sitting and praying (and going about 30 minutes over) I asked God to tell me something, show me what his heart was saying to mine. What I got was a picture.

It was me as a little girl, and I was running into my dad's arms. I saw him letting me climb up into his lap after my bath, and he brushed my hair. I remember this memory with my dad. Although our days together were few, this is one of the most intimate times I had with him. In those moments, nothing mattered but me. There were no distractions, no sports or tv or hospital visits, I was all that mattered to him. As I saw this picture flash through my mind, I realized that it wasn't my earthly dad who's arms I was running into, they were His.

As Allie sat and prayed with me, the tears rolling down both of our cheeks, she spoke words of life into me. She saw it to, and told me that God was not only brushing my hair, but that he was counting every single one. He knows each strand, just as he knows every part of me. He wants to be my daddy - to share those intimate moments with me, and show me that nothing matters more to him than our relationship. He wants to give back those years that were stolen from me, the days I spent without a father, and renew the hours I cried in loneliness.

Dave told me that this is a week of re-parenting. And that both of my daddy's are really proud of me.

redemption

"I want that, however, I want you more, God!"

- Sy Rogers

YWAM hasn't wasted any time on conflict-free issues, but instead has dove head first into the issues of sex, lust, homosexuality, temptations... and God's design in it all. Sy Rogers is an amazing man with a global ministry, and has spent the week pouring into my class some of the truths he has learned in his life, his struggles, and his redemption through the love and grace of God. I won't tell you his whole story, but it's definitely worth reading at www.syrogers.com.

Sy has a gift for painting pictures in my mind, for taking simple images and giving them great depth. Take, for example, crooked teeth. Now, when someone is saved; goes through the powerful event of accepting Christ into their heart and confessing with their mouth he's lord over their life, do their teeth automatically become straight? What if you go down to the alter and pray, "Please, Father, make my teeth straight. I know I could advance your kingdom so much more if only I had a great smile!" Now, while the intent is good and motives pure, have you ever seen this miraculous event take place? And if you haven't, is it because God's not able? He has healed people of diseases and given sight to the blind, and it's even true that he has the power to raise one from the dead. So why won't he straighten your teeth? Instead of a zap, quick fix deal, it's a process. A slow, painful, and humbling (well, sometimes even embarrassing) process of doctor's exams, x-rays, braces, tightening, pulling, and eventually, the result of beautiful, straight-teeth smile.

As silly as it seems to expect a quick fix zap for crooked teeth, as Christians we often see that as the only approach to God with our struggles and hurts. I want God to wipe it away, to erase my mind from what used to trip me up or hurt me, what has broken me or left me shamed. But instead he offers me a process. A slow, tedious, painful process of retraining my thoughts, of admitting to the things I want, but declaring that I want God more. Sexual sin doesn't just come from the spiritual realm. It's biological. It's psychological. And the Lord has given us ways to overcome ALL of it.

I don't feel like I can do Sy justice. I want to somehow condense the pages and pages of notes and graphs and scientific research I have written down to share with everyone, because I'm realizing that's so much of the problem. The knowledge I'm gaining in class is so factual, so practical, so essential to every person who deals with the struggle of being human. Of offering simple love and redemption to one another. Yet it's not taught. In churches, in schools, in families (and I'm speaking in generals, of course there are exceptions to each I listed).

So I guess my question now is, "God, knowing what I know now, what do you want me to do with it?"

spring fever

So I just wrote yesterday about laying poolside, which was a completely accurate statement. The past two days have been hot, sunny, and leaving most of my team with nice sunburns across their arms and cheeks. Then today... we had another beautiful day of spring. Unfortunatly, there was no time spent at the pool.

This is what campus looks today.

Pretty ridiculous? Yes, I know. And I can see the snow coming down from my bedroom window still. We're expected to have at least 6 inches by tomorrow. Spring fever anyone? I think so.

(above is most of my DTS team plus staff. Pictured is 9 of the 11 students and 5 out of the 7 staff. It's the closest thing to a group picture I've gotten)

to learn & to love.

I've been trying write a blog update for about a week now, but every time I have a free moment, whether it's Friday night before church, Saturday evening after hiking, or stealing a few free minutes poolside between classes, the words just haven't seemed to flow. I don't know where to start. Do you want to hear that life is great? That I love my team and the worship is beautiful and the sun is tanning my skin as I lay by the pool on Colorado's hot spring days? (the hot days are few and far between, by the way). Do you want to know that I love the mountains, that I thrive off community living, and that I'm being poured into from students, speakers and staff? All of these are true, real statements.

But do you also want to know that I'm being broken apart? Do you really want to hear what it's like when I fall to my knees sobbing as I intercede for other nations? Or that each day every belief I've ever had in God and in myself are challenged, stretched, and often broken to be reformed? That I don't know what God has planned for my life, I don't know where He's taking me or what the future brings. I have no security plan. I have no savings account. I don't have a house, a car, a job, or ANYTHING that brings security to the average American. And yet God is asking me to take it one step further, to trust him more, to seek him further. And what other choice do I have? Say no? I rather be broken.

As we worshipped Monday morning, God was moving so powerfully, and I asked him to show me the plan that he has for me. The response I got was this, "Seek me further first."
I responded with a question. What am I doing right now? Why am I here? What he told me was simple, "Learn. & Love"

This week we are learning about love. Well, the title is technically "relationships," but when you break it down, Love is the one commandment God gives us - the one thing that brings us closer to him, and closer to each other. It's completely essential in our lives, especially if we ever want to have an impact on others. I realized here that I have no idea what that word truly means (which I guess fulfills a chunk of that learning requirement God sent me here for). I'm learning about humility and truth and to love according to one's value and not their behavior or my feelings towards them. I'm being broken daily. And it hurts.

But it's so good.

God has asked me to seek his face, not his hand. I'm pursuing his heart, and not his works. It's that intimacy, that realness, that fellowship with him that has been bringing me to life. And as scary as it is, I know that's what I was designed for.

I made it!

Just an update... I have lived in Colorado Springs for about 32 hours now, and it already feels like home to me. On a fun level, my team is great - the atmosphere is upbeat, and the showers are hot and wonderful. On the spiritual side, I can feel God everywhere in this place! A woman named Mary spoke to us this morning, and mentioned that this campus is being prayed over continually to be an "open heaven" - where God can speak to us, direct us, and just be apart of our lives. I couldn't describe it better. The Lord is in this place, which makes the adjustment easy and exciting. I can hear His voice, telling me that this is exactly where He wants me, and that the things that are in store I can't even imagine. How can you not be excited when you hear confirmation like that?

This was my long, exciting drive across western Nebraska.

7 hours of flat farmland.
The mountains are a great change of scenery

The gift basket that greeted me when I arrived. Filled with all of the essentials - chocolate, coffee mug, chapstick, and an encouraging note from my new leaders. After a day and a half, almost all of the junk food is gone. Didn't take long :)

My room/new bed - the balcony faces east for the sunrise every morning - devotionals on my bed in the am as the sun is coming up over the mountains is something I will gladly get used to

Yes, it snowed the first day I was here. Welcome to Colorado in April!

The sun came out today though, for a beautiful afternoon of soccer, grilling out and swinging at the park. On the right are a few of the girls on my team - Deanne, Amie, me, Tonya & Seojin. My whole group is made up of 6 girls & 5 guys. A great, tight knit team!

A little too close already? Nah...

Our Friday night at "The Mill" - a college night at a huge super church in the Springs. Absolutely incredible worship & message. Can't wait to go back next week with the team!

(top - Jed & John; bottom - me, Aaron & Trey)

The church also offers free Starbucks coffee and Panera bread bagels. As missionaries, we decided to take all of the leftover bread back to campus. We'll take all the donations we can!

That's a wrap up of my first night here. Tomorrow will be a great day of sleeping in (or probably a run for me to explore the campus) - then an afternoon hike through Garden of the Gods & team time at night. Classes start on Monday, so for now we're just enjoying the time of orientation, worship and fellowship. God is definitely working in this place! I can feel it so strongly, and I'm so anxious to see what's in store the next 5 months!

a new beginning

It's time to pick up writing again. After being home from Kenya for 3 months, I am now 36 hours and 500 miles away from my next big adventure. I put my Perkins uniform away, said my goodbyes over cards and coffee, and packed up life into 2 overstuffed duffel bags. Next stop: Colorado Springs.

After feeling led to YWAM (Youth With A Mission) while I was in Africa, the next step for me was to find a training school and get signed up. The campus in Colorado Springs is actually called "Strategic Frontiers" and it's focus is on reaching out to unreached nations within the 10/40 window and bringing Christ to places who have never heard of His name or His grace. After 3 months of DTS (discipleship training school), I'm headed back overseas until the end of the summer. Where am I going? At this point, only God knows. Stay tuned for details :)

So here I am, sitting on my sister's laptop, and while the rest of the world sleeps, my mind won't slow down. I'm writing in that in-between place again. I don't have a home. I'm not here or there, but the almost gives me butterflies. The hardest part for me is trying not to have any expectations. I honestly don't know what I've gotten myself into (or what God has thrown me into, I should say). I don't know my teammates, I don't know what I'm going to be studying this semester, and I don't know where in the world I'll be living in three months. As I was leaving Lincoln, I kept getting questions like, "what about this" and "what about that," and the best answer I had to give was, "I'll find out."

I'm about to find out. I'm so close to a vision that God has placed on my heart. And I'm ready for it. I'm not nervous for the unknown, to be honest it excites me. I'm excited to learn and grow and fellowship, and be stretched out of everything I'm comfortable with. I'm anxious to go back on the mission field, to learn another culture and another person's story and be His hands and feet. I'm ready to come alive again. Being home, I've looked for things that make me feel worthwhile - work, going to the gym, roadtrips and coffee shops and Bible studies. While all of these are good things, my intentions have been all wrong. I've been trying to fill myself up. In Kenya, the goal was to fill OTHER people up, and in return my heart was overflowing. I'm ready to take my eyes off of myself again. And maybe a location change will be the extra push that I need.

So I'm writing again. This adventure is just getting started, so there's much more to come. If you'd like check out the school I'll be living at, their website is http://www.ywamsf.org. Also, my personal e-mail address is jill.kilzer@gmail.com if you'd like to get in touch personally. Please pray that these next couple days are a time of great fellowship and getting settled in. I know there are students coming in from all over the country (just like me), and it's going to be an adjustment for all of us living under one roof. Stories, God-moments, and pictures soon to come :)

Many of us want a map, but what we get is a compass. - Erwin McManus