December 12th - journal entry

I'm on an airplane going home. I'm 4 hours away from life. I'm an airport away from my team. My head is dizzy, it's 4:45pm in Nairobi, it's 8:45am in Atlanta... my body is functioning somewhere in between. I'm in such a strange place, between ministry and home, between tears and sleep, between the past and the future.
The past few days are a blur of memories. Where one day ends and the next began are hard to tell. Sunday was such a good night for the team. After one last morning at Pastor Timothy's Blue House Church, we said goodbye to all of our friends. The afternoon was full of bartering and prizes at the Yaya craft market, then I got all dolled up for our last night on the town. Instead of $65 per person for a dinner at the world famous Carnivore Restaurant, we opted for the connecting Simba Saloon, ordering meat right off the Carnivore's grill and paying 1/3 the price. The restaurant was beautiful, and so so big. We ate under a canopy of open night sky and candlelight, with a budget to go crazy on appetizers, kilos of meat (including ostrich and crocodile) and the most amazing Tropical Breeze sundae with cinnamon sugar pineapple and coconut ice cream. Before dinner even started, the house DJ enticed us to the dance floor by playing our favorite Toto theme song. Dancing with the girls might have been one of my funnest memories. Just being free and crazy and fun and not caring what any of the spectators at the restaurant thought - I would give so much to do it all again. We know how to work together, but I think what's even more important is we know how to play together. I know these are friendships that will last, even under the burden of being across the country from one another, because we're real. I love these girls when they're silly, when they're stressed out, when they just need someone to listen to them or snuggle with them or share my plate of food. I miss being surrounded by them... and it hasn't even been two hours. I know it's going to hit me when I crawl into my bed and feel how empty it is.
Traveling is something I'm not going to miss for awhile. The matatu rolled out of the apartment complex at 7pm Monday night. Add 8 hours to Amsterdam, 5 hours sleeping on the airport floor and eating chocolate surprise eggs with Craig, then another 9 hours over the Atlantic Ocean, watching far too many movies and not sleeping a wink. Yet, somehow when all of that was added together, it still only accumulated to 2pm Atlanta time - thus making yesterday the longest day of my life... literally. Yesterday lasted for more than 30 hours, and I wanted to really enjoy and appreciate every minute of it. Preparing to say goodbye is not an easy thing for me. Knowing in advance that I'm letting go of the 12 people I've fallen in love and shared my life with is a blow to my heart I'm still not ready for. And I know I'm not letting go - of any of them. It was just so strange being in the airport yesterday being in the United States. Being absolutely surrounded by it. I didn't like it at all, and I can't put m finger on what it was, but I knew that I was not ready to be here. I was not overwhelmed with excitement and luxuries and fast food like some expected. I'm trying to let culture shock come slowly, but I just wish I was happier to be home. Maybe it's because I'm not home, but instead sitting on this airplane that has yet to take off the ground into the sky. I'm still in this place, this in between. My heart is not even hurting for Kenya, but it is not longing for home. God, where are you sending me? I need to surround myself with people who I love - people who love me. Maybe that's what I'm aching for. And God, I'm sitting here, alone on this airplane, in a crack in time before life begins again. It's you that I need. Please be with me, make this a day of joy and thankfulness. And be with my team - my family. They need you today, too. Bind us all together, prepare us for what's to come, and fill their lives with blessings. I'm not with them anymore, but you are. Father, be near us today.